haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
