You were right. It hurts to walk today.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
it's great music for shaving your balls
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
