My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
