This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
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