you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I believe in your delicious
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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