My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
