sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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