So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
this will be a night to untag.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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