6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
how does that bad decision feel?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
