Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
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