And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
