I got chris browned last night
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
