I CAN MOONWALK!
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
