The maid of honor just puked.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
