Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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