Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
