matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
