you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
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