Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
