Yo dont text me then not text me
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
