Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
