I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
