woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize