only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
