i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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