i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
