new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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