mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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