My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
