Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Sorry about my life...
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
