i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
