She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
