wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
