So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
