Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
