hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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