So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
