just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
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