You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
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