I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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