his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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