i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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