I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
