i just wanna soil my oats bro
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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