if i can run in heels then i can drive
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Randomize
