I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
