A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
