So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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