Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
