It's like a parade of train wrecks.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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