if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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