I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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