I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
