Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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