I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
