at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
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