As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
