Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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