The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Randomize
